Coffee & Honeycomb

It's been three days since I've been home, and each day has looked a little different so far. I don't feel that busy but somehow time is moving by so fast. (It probably doesn't help that I'm sleeping through large chunks of the day, too. lolz) 

I stopped at one point today to ask myself, "I wonder what 'post-missions' will look like on day 10. Will I just have compromised in more areas? Will I love God more or less? Will I even still be talking about Japan?" And it made me wonder what this time of "post-missions" really even is. I don't know, but I know what I don't want it to be. 

I don't want it to be where I'm always walking one step toward sin, and one step further from a pure life in Japan. I don't want to believe that Japan was the best of times, and each day is just anticipating lukewarm faith... And I don't think God wants that either. I want to believe that God is still working. He is infinite; He didn't exhaust his blessings or promises in one month. He is generous; He is always waiting to pour out to His children. He is big; He surpasses time and place and doesn't stop based on time-zone. I'm praying, for myself and for my teammates, that we will not be content with daily 30-minute QTs and old blessings, but that God will continue to reveal Himself to us this summer in even bigger, more intimate, and more exciting ways! God doesn't just save souls or answer prayers in Japan, but here, too.

One thing God taught me in Japan was that every choice I made was significant. During prayer time, I could choose to fall asleep or fight to pray. I could choose to seek peoples' approvals or seek God's. I could choose to pretend I am strong or admit I am weak. I could choose to believe in works or believe in grace... Every choice mattered because in the end, I think it always just boiled down to the same one: myself or Jesus.

I love that the lessons and blessings I received in Japan still have ripple effects now, because today, I was reminded of that same lesson. As I tried to imagine day 10, I thought, "man, if this is the rate I am going, day 10 just doesn't look so good for me..." That fear led me to dissect and evaluate why. If I intend to do well, why can't that sustain me? And I realized, that good intentions are not enough; because life is not an accumulation of intentions we have, but the choices we make and actions we take.

Today..
I intended to write my testimony, but I didn't.
I intended to clean my room, but I didn't.
I intended to wake up early, but I didn't.

I had all of these great intentions, but in the end, I go to bed tonight with an unwritten testimony, a messy room, and a poor sleep schedule. It is not enough to have good intentions, I must choose to act.

And I think that — small choices and actions — will make the world of a difference from now until day 10. I think that will make a world of a difference to experiencing more of God and not experiencing Him. I cannot just intend to have a deeper relationship with God, I must meet Him daily in prayer and in the word, I must be willing to sacrifice and obey. And I think that's the difference between home and missions sometimes, that we choose to do our devotional. There is no magic spell or formula, it's an accumulation of choices made. (Plus a wholeeee lotttaa prayer, but das a different story.)

Today I am making a vow to stop apologizing around here. It's an odd thing to vow to; almost offensive.

It's not because I don't mean it, but every time I sit down to write what I intended to, I feel the urge to first apologize for not showing up sooner. I want to explain myself and explain why that week in particular was so busy and how I meant to post or how I missed blogging... All things that are true, but once I begin, I find myself wallowing in my excuses, feeling a bit defeated for not having a better grip on my time. My honest words stare back as reasons why I'm not very good at blogging and I should probably not continue. So I close the screen without thinking twice. 

I'm realizing that apologizing for life moving too fast is not a very conducive way to start moving again. It takes a bit to get back on your feet—and I have to learn that that's okay. Sometimes good things take time. 

I've tried editorial calendars, weekly series, and pre-posts to help with a consistent blogging schedule, but at least in this season for me right now, none of them seem to help. In fact, they seem to make blogging more difficult! There are nights when I am filled with inspiration and good news, and want to share them with you, but then I remember Friday is coming up and I'm supposed to share a graphic. Or it's Monday and I'm supposed to talk about professional development. All topics I enjoy and were my idea to begin with, but they were put in place to be helpful, and if they're not being helpful then I should take a minute to reevaluate. 

I like writing about professional development and creating graphics, don't get me wrong, but I want to have grace for myself that if I can't do it that week, then it's okay. I don't have to avoid the blog all together, I can just write about what I want to write. I hope that's okay with you, too. One day, I'd like to have a more structured set up, but I don't think now is the time. I really respected certain blogs because they had more structure and series to follow, and I thought if I implemented those, too, my readership would grow and Coffee & Honeycomb's identity would grow, but if it's not working for me, then I have to learn to accept that. If I'm right about one thing, I hope it's this.

Coffee & Honeycomb is a space for us to feel okay in our smallness, to show up as no one but ourselves, to let our souls breathe and feel safe in our skin. I never want it to be anything but that. So if I every veer off track, then I want to be honest enough to acknowledge it and turn back around. 

I wrote the purpose of Coffee & Honeycomb last November, and I forgot. I do apologize for that, forgetting the true purpose and turning it into a platform to find worth and significance. Here is what I wrote in November to remind myself what this place is really about: 

Coffee & Honeycomb is entirely dedicated to him, it's a love story to Him, and a live, beating heartbeat and reminder that God loves me. My only response is to share the good news with the rest of the world, too, hence, the title "Coffee & Honeycomb." It is a declaration of the ways God has been so good to me and because I believe that His words are sweet to the soul and bring healing to the bones, Coffee & Honeycomb exists. 

So, I'm saying now that there will be no more apologies for late posts here on out. :) I hope you know that it's implied; that I do cherish Coffee & Honeycomb and regret when I am MIA for an extended period of time, but I'm throwing it out of my language so that I never view blogging as a burden but as a release. 

I hope you, too, join with me and take a step back: what is holding you back? what is something you want to stop apologizing for? as a blogger, have you ever had a time where you had to take a step back and changed things around?

I'm alive! :) 
Happy (belated) Valentine's Day, friends!

I hope my dear friends Ellyse, Ella, Megan, Amy, and Kiki kept you company while I was away! Weren't they great? If you aren't already, find some time to make your way over to their blog cause they are constantly spitting out good stuff. And then, press that follow button—you won't regret it. (;

New York was an absolute BLAST and I can't wait to share the entirety of it with you guys, but right now I'm just trying to catch up on my school work, relationships, sleep, and not to mention tv shows. (House of Cards 2 came out last week. Anyone else on that yet?) But I promise I'll be here reeeal soon. Thank you everyone for your sweet words + prayers throughout my trip! I appreciated every single one, for real. Updates to come on my job search status! 

Til then, hope you all have yourselves a WONDERFUL hump day! It's warm (well, 30-degrees-kinda-warm) and sunny where I am (sup, chicago), and I've started my day with morning prayer + Caribou coffee + inbox sorting. My kinda morning! :) 

I love to create.

I love it, I love it. 

Whether it be in the form of scrapbooking, writing, crafting, cooking, making home movies, taking photos (or Instagramming them), whatever! There is an indescribable joy that fills my BONES throughout the process. Do you feel me?

I don't think that says something significant about me, though, I think it says something about Him! When I turn to scripture, I see that God's first role recorded was as a creator. 

"In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth." Genesis 1:1

Since I am made in His image, I believe my desire to create is a reflection of who He is. When I think about that, I want to create all the more. (: Creating feels purposeful. I bet you, too, have a passion that was so intricately and intentionally planted in your heart as a gift from our God. I bet you, too, reflect a glimpse of Him each time you unfold it. Allow yourself to unfold it.

I love to surround myself around those who are passionate about the work they do, because it takes courage and dedication—it's also contagious. It's inspiring and moving and beautiful to see people do the work they love. It's like that's what they were made to do, and it gives me the courage to keep pursuing the things I feel like I was made to do, too. 

Can you believe that our God created each of us with such unique talents, gifts, and interests? He is definitely a creative one. 

Do you know your passion? I hope you do, and if you don't, I hope you discover it one day real soon. When you do, I hope you have the boldness to unleash it, hone it, and share it with the world. This world needs to see your passion.

Welcome to the first of "31 DAYS OF BELOVEDNESS." 
(I talked about it a bit here.) 

There are just some things, or more specifically, truths, I want more of in my life. Things I want to learn, understand, soak, and this month it's about our belovedness. I'm not here to educate or preach, I'm here to walk and wrestle and chew — and I invite you into the process.

This is day one.

I wanted to start the series just by acknowledging who we are, children of God, and praising the only one who can give us that identity. 

The song is "TIl I see you" by Hillsong. An involuntary groan comes out when I listen to these lyrics. It is the current echo of my heart:

Lately, I feel the Lord pressing the idea of community onto my heart. Stories of strong friendship, powerful conversations, shoulders rubbing, and moments of breaking bread linger with me throughout an entire day. I find myself asking and wondering more and more what a good community is supposed to look like... I imagine that community to be a living room or a coffee shop, a space that feels so safe and accepting that hands held over hearts are removed and left to breathe and bleed all over the coffee table. A space where the brothers/sisters can feel known, loved, and accepted. Am I in one? Does my presence help cultivate one?

With school starting up again, I am in a new season of my life and with each passing day, we leave transition mode and enter daily routine. It is my final year on campus and that thought brings out a sense of anxiety and urgency in me. It reminds me how quickly time flies and that time is never in my control. Knowing that, as I plan for the day, the month, the semester, I want to live with intention and gratitude. And as I pray for this upcoming semester, I ask God the same question day after day: what does faithfulness look like for me in this season right now? Who am I called to love and what will that love look like? How can I be a better steward? And knowing that I am effective as much as I soak in Your presence and your love, how can I claim your promises and truths today? 

I guess all I'm asking is what role will I play and where will He lay his hand in my life in this season...

But the word that just LINGERS in my heart and my prayer is community. This notion of friendship and intimacy... It all sounds so risky. Besides, I've never been good at maintaining friendships. I'm good at leaving and protecting and hiding, but I was never too good at being present. A pastor once said, "we don't love because it's comfortable for us, but we love so that others may know the comfort of knowing Jesus." 

I'm reading Job right now and if you are unfamiliar with the book, it is about this great, God-fearing man who is tested and stripped of all his earthly possessions to see if he still says faithful to God. At this point, his friends come to pay a visit...

Now when Job's three friends heard of all this evil that had come upon him, they came each from his own place, Eliphaz the Temanite, Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite. They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort him. And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him. And they raised their voices and wept, and they tore their robes and sprinkled dust on their heads toward the heaven. And they sat with him on the ground seven days and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw his suffering was very great." — JOB 2:1-13 (ESV)  

I love this picture of friendship. I think it's so beautiful and selfless... I think this is the picture of "community" that I'm holding onto, and as much as I desire to have that community surrounding me, I also desire to be that kind of community for someone else. I think that is what God is calling me to be right now — a friend. A friend who goes out of his/her way to sympathize and comfort... A friend who weeps and laments with them and sits with them all because they simply see the hurt and see the need.

I think God wants me to experience that comfort and intimacy, and he also wants to use me to be that comfort and intimacy for someone else. And although a role of a friend was always challenging for me to uphold in the past, I think the Lord has really been opening my eyes and softening my heart to see the hurt and the need of others... I want to learn how to love others, regardless of my comfort, but so that they may know the comfort of knowing Jesus.

May I learn to be a friend, as Jesus was a friend first to me.

One of my favorite aspects about journaling is that afterwards, you are left with a collection of all your old thoughts, agendas, and insights. Our ability to retain information and memories is slimmer than we'd like to believe, and a record of old words serve as a time portal back into the yesterday's. Past journals offer perspective: a better understanding of where you are going and an attitude of thankfulness for how you have gotten there.

I looked back at all my journal entires of July on the train one day, and I was shocked of how eventful the month was without even realizing it. As I knew it, another month had just came and went. Weekends seemed too quick and workdays were too long, but as I read through my prayers and recollections, I was reminded of both little and big things that had taken place. I was filled with thankfulness and inspiration. It was cool. (:

Here is a peek at some of my journal entries: (click to enlarge)



If you don't journal already, I encourage you try it for the month of August! If you have ever asked yourself if God's hand is  present in your life, this might help you. Journaling forces you to slow down, and in those moments of reflections is when God's presence is evident.  You see the promises the Lord has declared over you, and how they are personally manifesting in your life! God is always, always working, slow down or you might miss it.

Journal about anything and everything. (: Talk about the highlights of your days and your weeks, and even vent about the worries that consume your heart. Share your blessings and express your wishes. God hears all of it. I believe that putting language to your emotions has the ability to pull them from the depths and hidden corners of your heart, onto the surface where it's accessible to be touched, processed, and communicated. And when you are able to communicate it with yourself, you are more able to communicate them with God.

Good luck! (:
I'd love to hear your journaling adventures, please share below.

I'm a serial list maker and I probably have been since someone first put a pen in my hand. (Or more accurately, a Crayola crayon.) I know this is true because not only am I a list maker, I'm also a hoarder, (oh, winner winner) and STILL have these lists stored away.

(Confession: These notes consist of all the boys in my class I consider "cute", what I want in my house when I grow up, and my favorite colors at the moment... Real deep stuff, of course. End confession.)

Anyway, my lists have gotten a little bit more substantial over the years. Just a little bit.  And I can't function throughout the day with out a good list made with pen and paper.  It's as if my brain is in constant info overload, and the only way to digest and comprehend anything new is in the form of lists. Complete sentences and grammar is totally pushing it.

One of my favorite bloggers, LOVELY INDEED, started a recent installment, "ten things." And yes, it is EXACTLY what it sounds like. She shares the lists she makes in her journal of ten random things. She is a lovely woman after my own heart, indeed. (See what I did there?)

Most recently, her list was of ten words that gross her out. And you know what, you should check it out because they weren't so obvious. MOIST WASN'T EVEN ON IT. By the way, have you read this hilarious suicide note from the word "moist"? If you haven't, you must click this and read now. (Oh, and that was probably the only appropriate time I could use the word "hilarious" and "suicide" in the same sentence. I don't know how I feel about that.)

But I digress...

Being able to completely resonate with LOVELY INDEED and her addiction to lists, I decided to share mine as well! (: Except it isn't gross words, it's my to-do list.

*Also, for all you list makers out there,  is it just me, or do you also have MULTIPLE to-do lists occurring at the same time? For example. I have a list for things that must be done that day, a separate one for the month, and a separate one for things that should be done eventually. Sometimes the lists break up even further based on the role -- student, work, church, etc. Is there a better way to do this? Please do tell.

HERE IS A PEEK INTO MY LIST LIFE (+ doodles from my journal.)

HAPPY JULY! :)

Each month, my favorite blogger, emily @ chatting at the sky, shares on her blog some of the things she learned that month. Some things are significant and impressive, and others are small and light. For this past month, she invited all of her readers to join along and share the new knowledge June has personally brought them!

So today, I am linking up with Emily and sharing the bits and pieces of things I recently learned. (:

10 things i learned in june

1. Always, always check the expiration date. When I first came home from Italy in early May, it took me a really long time to unpack. I left my suitcases untouched for weeks, and along with it, my sacred face wash. So I just used a random face wash I found under the bathroom sink, and I noticed that within days my face started to break out uncontrollably. IT WAS BAD. LIKE WHEN YOU ACCIDENTALLY PRESS THE WRONG SQUARE ON MINESWEEPER AND SUDDENLY THE WHOLE SCREEN IS FILLED WITH RED X'S AND IT MAKES YOU SQUEAMISH. DO YOU KNOW?

I could sit still for two hours, minding my own business, and next thing I know, new raging red bumps are invading my chin. So what did I do, used that effing face wash even more. I attributed the breakout to the fact that the US doesn't recycle and my new Italian skin couldn't handle the polluted air and water. (No, I'm just kidding, I just feel like I haven't said any pretentious European stuff in awhile.) Anyway, but after about three weeks, I noticed one day six digits engrained on the bottle cap. And it read: 03/13/07...... THE FACE WASH EXPIRED IN 2007. Lesson learned, Biore. Lesson learned.

2. Pic-tap-go is the best photo editing app out there. It was the best $1.99 I have ever spent.

3. The OT is great and changed my June. (see why grace is so sweet)

4. Running isn't that bad. I mean, it is in the sense that it hurts different parts of your body before, during, and AFTER the run, but it also releases a wave of endorphins and changes the way one perceives themselves in the mirror. So, I guess it's worth it?

5. I have a bottomless stomach for Mexican food.

6. Everything, and I mean everything, is all about perspective. An experience is not innately "good" or "bad," it's how you look at it. And YOU have the ability and power to choose how you want to look at it. EREGO, YOU HAVE THE ABILITY AND POWER TO MAKE A SITUATION GOOD OR BAD. So, how is today? Is it good or bad?

7. Good coffee, good handwriting, and a good journal affect my mood. Like, a lot. It is what helps my soul BREATHE and if I go for too long without it, I grow anxious, frustrated, and out of touch with myself.

8. Home videos are so cool and I really want to get into them. My inspirations: lovetaza

9. God is my boss and no one else. (there's a story behind this one.)

10. Tina Fey is great. That's all.


--

see what other women learned this month here.

God didn't have to create a world that was so beautiful.

He didn't have to use so many colors and even different shades of those colors. There's turquoise, sapphire, iris, cobalt, violet, teal — and those are just in the blue family. He didn't have to make the sun so bright and radiant that it warms the entire earth and makes the water  sparkle. He didn't have to create a whole new world under that water with sea animals and  vegetation; and in order to witness, we must hold our breath and bring ourselves beneath the surface. He didn't have to make birds sing pleasant melodies and penguins wear chic tuxedos and flowers smell the way they do.

But He did.

He made the world so beautiful that it inspires and awes people daily. He made sunsets so captivating it makes people want to fall in love, and he made starry nights so stunning people spent their lives chasing after that exact scene. He didn't have to, but he did.

And I think that says something about our God. Something indeed.

And you know what is even MORE fascinating?

"The same hands that created all of this, they created you and I. What a beautiful God."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-mBaEZ_zb30

[ exodus and leviticus ]

Since last month, I've been going through the OT. Started in Genesis, now I'm almost done with Numbers. (< to be read as "started from the bottom, now we here). Just kidding. I mentioned in an earlier post that I was learning a lot and I decided to share what the Lord is revealing to me as I read each book. Starting with exodus and leviticus. (:

in a nut shell: (exodus) God declares the ten commandments as well as a very extensive code of conduct by which the people must obtain in order to keep the promise land pure and pleasing to Him. (leviticus) God explains the practices and rituals that must occur in order to abstain from and compensate sin. And the harsh consequences if they were to disobey. And boy, there's a lot.

After reading 7+ chapters a day about which part of the animal is pleasing to the Lord, how many times to flicker blood at a curtain, and the specifics of what a robe should look like, I was EXHAUSTED. Exhausted and exhausted — and pretty bored. There are several instances when God strikes down people because they disobey, and each time I read that, I make a face. "No, my God would never do that..." I got this impression that God was petty and difficult, and I didn't see why this was relevant to me. So, I wrestled... and wrestled, and wrestled. I would read, wrestle, read, wrestle. Rinse and repeat. (I could have just said I wrestled a lot, but I didn't think that quite hit the mark of what this wrestling looked like.)

Then I realized I was asking myself the question: is sin really THAT big of a deal? Is it that bad that God would just cold knock out people... because of a, because of a technicality foul? And I think the moment that phrase formed into a complete sentence and left my mouth, I knew my answer. And I knew why I couldn't see the relevance. And I knew I needed to repent.

Reading those chapters was exhausting because God exhausted every code of conduct and ritual... because sin WAS that much of a big deal. It was so much of a big deal that He needed to send his only son to save us all from it. And I didn't see that.

If you're like me, then at the first glance (and maybe the second and third, too) the OT seems outdated and stale. And you're right, your walk and growth is not of the OT, but it is certainly not void of it. In order to appreciate and understand Jesus' crucifixion, and why the grace came out of it is so sweet, you need to know what it looked like before grace. How can you call news good when you don't know what news bad looks like?

And this, this is surely good news.

A friend of mine once painted this illustration about a baby eating really good food. Let's call the food steak because I really like steak. Sure, the baby can enjoy the steak (because it's steak, and who doesn't enjoy steak), but the baby doesn't know just quite how GOOD that steak is, because he hasn't acquired a palette to appreciate and discern yet.

In a similar way, I am like that baby. I live and walk in grace, but do I fully know what that costed? Am I thankful for freedom because I "like" it the way the baby likes steak, or am I thankful because I understand what I am free from? God struck down those people in the OT because He HATED sin. And God is a God who doesn't change, He STILL hates sin. But what did change was that He didn't want us to just compensate and cover our sin with sacrifices and practices, but He sacrificed his son so that he could cleanse our sin. Once and for all. Now God looks at me (and you!) and sees someone pleasing to His eye.

Each day, the gospel is meaning a little something different for me. I pray daily that the cross will be relevant and real, and not just in my faith and growth in an arbitrary way, but specifically and exactly for what THAT day entails. Both the little and big.

More gospel, please.