Coffee & Honeycomb: belovedness

Showing posts with label belovedness. Show all posts

DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME

Thursday, October 24, 2013

This past weekend, our church hosted its annual Revival, a 3-day event strategically placed mid-way through the semester, to open up a space and time for students to be revived and refueled. It's filled with sermons, prayer, and worship. It's a grand time. (:

This year was my fourth one. It is also my last one as a student, and my favorite one.

The sermon from the first night really struck a chord with me and reminded me of this series so I wanted to share a bit about it here. The speaker, Reverend Charlie Dates, spoke on Geneses 32, when Jacob wrestles with God... Genesis 32 begins when Jacob is in the middle of the night hiding from enemies and running away. We meet him sending off his family across a river.

Verses 23 and 24 read, "...he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone..."

Reverend Charlie Dates pointed out this redundancy as a literary device to emphasize the state of Jacob at this time. He was stripped away of all his physical comforts, his possessions, as well as his emotional and relational support. Jacob is stripped, empty-handed, and alone. At this moment, is when God chooses to meet him and wrestle with him.

The text says they wrestle until daybreak and as God tries to end it, Jacob holds on and says one of most profound and telling requests.

He says, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

When we are stripped away of everything, our innate need and deepest cry of our heart reveals itself — to be blessed by God, to be seen by God. Can I say that again? When we are apart from all the comforts and securities this world can offer us, it is at THAT moment our true and real and personal need and desire is to the surface. To be blessed by God. To be seen by God.

And isn't this what we've been talking about this whole month? I had never read this passage this way, and that particular point cut away at me just as the Word should. I felt so known and understood and rebuked, too. My whole life pattern has been to maximize comfort, maximize security... meanwhile stifling the voice and power of God.

In this passage, God reminds me that He meets me when I am stripped away of everything. That he must take everything in order to give me everything. I want to learn how to daily take everything so tender to my heart and lay it before Him at His feet... ready to be filled with more of Him. More of Him.

DAY 22 : SIN RUNS DEEP

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Yesterday was cliche fall weather in Urbana-Champaign. Burnt orange leaves on the ground with sporadic gusts of wind that blew the leaves whichever way, and a huge, golden sun warming everything in its reach.

I had plans to eat lunch with a girlfriend of mine and we went to a new pizzeria/cafe on campus called the flying machine. We parked a bit away from the shop so we walked through downtown Urbana, enjoying the scenic view around us.

We first ordered our drinks — coffee drowned with brown sugar for me, some exotic tea for her pretentious taste (just kidding) — and split a pizza. We found a table and took our seats, and over a creamy, meaty Mediterranean slice of pizza, we started to exchange different significant childhood stories that we are convinced started this trajectory we now call our life story, our life path. Those 'moments' that made us who we are today. (Casual afternoon conversation. Her and I clearly can't do 'small talk' really.)

We discussed unhealthy relationship stories, views on the church, home dynamics... and while she was lost in one of her stories, she paused for a moment... as if she was going down a memory lane of pain and hurt, but could walk through it confidently with 20/20 vision. She looked back up and said, "It was such a small instance, but it affected everything. Man, sin runs so deep." I responded by just nodding silently, taking it all in, and projecting that truth onto my own stories, too. She was right. And however we landed into this odd, personal, and reflective conversation in a casual pizzeria on a sunny autumn day, we faced-to-face with the truth of humankind.

Sin runs deep in your family, in your city, and in your country... and it also runs deep and wide in your heart. And because we were never meant to live with sin or brokenness, because our fragile bodies and souls were made for the garden of Eden, we run around like self-righteous but headless chickens finding ways to bring some sort of restoration back in our hearts, families, cities, and countries...

It's important to know your story, to reminiscence on your past and walk down memory lane, to be able to recognize in your own life that sin really runs deep. And then, take time to glance at yourself and lament at the ways sin wronged you, but then gaze at the cross because where sin runs deep, His grace is found.

Today, I'm thankful for autumn, thankful for coffee, thankful for good friends... But I'm even more thankful for every way God uses little things to remind me of His infinite grace and redemptive story.

DAY SIX : EMBRACE LONELINESS

Sunday, October 6, 2013

There's a deep, grumbling hunger in your heart to be acknowledged, known, accepted, and loved.

Do you feel it right now?

Some days the cry isn't as loud, and you are able to get through the day's tasks without dwelling. Other days, the cry is loud and it feels so deep it consumes you — your mind seems to continuously bring you to a state of loneliness. Happy friendships and couples and families seem to surround you, and you just feel all alone.

In those moments, we tend to suppress those feelings and equate it with weakness, or conclude there is a glaring flaw in us that deems unlovable. But that moment your loneliness becomes evident, and one day it will, it doesn't mean you're weak, and it isn't an opportunity for you to mull over your flaws. It's an invitation from the Lord to meet him in deep intimacy and find healing.

Embrace it.

I know. That sounds fearful and daunting — and straight-up weird. Aren't we always told to conceal and control our pain with food, alcohol, and willpower? In moments of pain, and in this case, loneliness, going closer to where it hurts seems like the worst thing to do, but your need to be known and loved was made by God, and only He can fully and permanently meet that need. You must find where it hurts and let yourself go in that space.

DAY TWO: FATHER'S ARMS

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Recently my pastor had a baby daughter named Eden. (Yes, like the garden of Eden.) I think she is three years old now, and she is the cutest bundle of flesh and bones I have ever seen. She sports an awkward bowl cut and has pale pink lips that always seem to form themselves into a pout. Often her hands are filled with food or someone else's iPhone playing a re-run of Blues Clues. Eden is a ball of sass and baby fat, and she knows how to use all of it to charm her way into whatever she wants — usually it's food or Blues Clues.

If you want her to like you, you must play hard-to-get. Hugs and kisses must never, ever be freely or easily given. She'll smell your eagerness a sanctuary away and use it against you. I learned that the hard way.

Some Sundays I'll arrive and see that she is just having an awful morning. Her cheeks are stained with dried tears and her fists are clenched tightly. Temper tantrums, they call it. She'll shoot an evil glare your way if you even just look at her the wrong way. On those days, even Blues Clues and candy can't bring her to a smile. The only thing that really seems to work is when her dad picks her up and holds her in his arms, slowly rocking side to side.

There was one Sunday when I witnessed that exact moment and it was something so intimate and biblical it stayed with me for weeks. Her dad bent down and swooped her up from the ground and into his arms, and I saw the physical transformation take place as her frown was immediately replaced with a content grin. It was as if he scooped her out of her complete angsts and misery in exchange for fresh air and warmth. She knew she was safe in her father's arms. She felt comfortable, whole, and good.

That moment stayed with me because it was true for all of us. Something magical happens when we know we are in our father's arms. Comfort, safety, and peace come to mind.

Now I know father analogies are always tricky because a lot of us don't have great relationships with our dads nor do we want to compare God to our dads. We live in a broken and fatherless generation. But God made us with the innate need and desire to be accepted by our dad, maybe not our worldly dad, but our Father almighty. And this is our story, too.

Proximity is our constant urge to be closet to Dad, to touch his beard and to hold his attention. It is a primal desire that we never outgrow. More than doing and performing, we long to be near him. — Kevin DeShazo

In Romans, Paul reminds us that we have been adopted as children of God. We are heirs of his kingdom. And the different groans in our hearts -- frustrations, sadness, anger, confusion -- are all heard by a God who also desperately wants to reach out and scoop us out of our own misery. We were never made to hustle, we were made to be held in his arms. Abba, father. The father's arms are always wide open. Today, I dare you to take a risk and believe that to be true, and run into the set of arms that offer relief and comfort. A place where you can close your eyes and replace that frown for fresh air and contentment.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship.[a]And by him we cry, “Abba,[b] Father.” Romans 8:15

*Find the entire series here.

DAY ONE : THE GREATEST LOVE

Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Welcome to the first of "31 DAYS OF BELOVEDNESS."
(I talked about it a bit here.)

There are just some things, or more specifically, truths, I want more of in my life. Things I want to learn, understand, soak, and this month it's about our belovedness. I'm not here to educate or preach, I'm here to walk and wrestle and chew — and I invite you into the process.

This is day one.

I wanted to start the series just by acknowledging who we are, children of God, and praising the only one who can give us that identity.

The song is "TIl I see you" by Hillsong. An involuntary groan comes out when I listen to these lyrics. It is the current echo of my heart:

The greatest love that anyone could ever know
That overcame the cross and grave to find my soul
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

With all I am I'll live to see Your kingdom come
And in my heart I pray You'd let Your will be done
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in You

I will live to love You
I will live to bring You praise
I will live a child in awe of You

You are the voice that calls the universe to be
You are the whisper in my heart that speaks to me
And 'til I see You face to face and grace amazing takes me home
I'll trust in you

You alone are God of all
You alone are worthy Lord

And with all I am my soul will bless Your name
--
Ps. Happy October 1st! Swing by to IN ITS TIME to see my blog featured for her monthly button swap. Show her some love while you're there. (: She's one sweet, sweet lady.

31 DAYS OF BELOVEDNESS

Monday, September 30, 2013

Last week, life was messy. Both literally and emotionally.

I didn't feel like myself at all. There is a part of me that desperately wanted to erase last week and be extra rigid for the next; to plan out every hour and fill every white space in my planner, to clean my desk, organize my inbox, color-code something, anything. Fix something. But I'm trying to fight that control freak in me, the part of me that wants to play god, and just embrace the messiness. Embrace it because this is life, too.

I like to blog when life looks good, and blogging is an avenue to express my gratitude and passion for the little joys in life. It makes me believe life is full of cupcakes, flowers, and clean dishes. And it can be, but life is also messy and difficult and tiring, and that's not something to be ashamed of or ignored. And it's not something to be controlled. It's something to be recognized and acknowledged because it's what makes us human. Life is hard, but it's also sweet. Sweet and human and frail and real.

I think a huge part of this comes from my heritage. Korean culture is very shamed-based one. You only invite people into your life when the house is clean, grades are good, relationships are stable, and blessings are high. So how do people with such a generationally embedded mindset respond to this? They work extra hard, they throw messes behind closed doors, they study day and night, and they put all their weight on these tangible, visible things. Everything else they hide. But this doesn't make people harder workers, it makes us a very fearful group of people. It turns people into a generation who cannot embrace their weakness, or humanness, and forces them to turn away from their identity, hide behind achievements. And I think it's time we talk about it.

I'll start.

This past week I didn't spend as much time with God and I found myself heavy with insecurity, impatience, and uncertainty. Fear was present in my thoughts, and although I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason for it or locate the root, it was there. I could feel its presence swallowing any truth or love that might have once been. My desperation for love and acceptance was obvious and loud.

I learned that when I am not with God, I search for meaning and identity in things that were never meant to give meaning. Like relationships, clothing, grades, media. I noticed myself eagerly looking for someone to affirm me or give me any kind of signal that I was doing okay.

Henri Nouwen said that we can give the gift of belovedness only insofar as we have claimed it for ourselves. We can only give love to the degree that we believe we are loved. I recognized this truth so much in my life this week, and how important it is for me to receive belovedness first, everyday.

People are writing for 31 days. At first, I didn't know if I had a single topic that could be discussed for such an extended period of time, but as I reflected on this week, I realized there is really only one thing to talk about. That underlying everything I say, I"m always saying the same thing, because I really only have one thing to say. It's about our belovedness, that God loves you.

We can hear it, say it, sing it a million times but it never really hits us the way it should. But it's the only thing that matters. It matters so much that it should transform everything about who we are... the way we think, talk, get ready in the morning, laugh... It should radiate from the inside out and bleed into everything we touch.

So that's what I want to write about for the next 31 days. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have a lot of thoughts, experiences, and I want to intentionally chew on it for the month of October. If you'd like to join with me on this journey, discover more of what our belovedness means and looks like in our lives, walk with me and we can learn together. :)

FIND THEM HERE:
DAY ONE : THE GREATEST LOVE
DAY TWO : THE FATHER'S ARMS
DAY THREE : SMALL MIRACLES
DAY FOUR : WHISPERS
DAY FIVE : SHARE A LITTLE LOVE
DAY SIX : EMBRACE LONELINESS
DAY 22 : SIN RUNS DEEP
DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME