Last week, life was messy. Both literally and emotionally.
I didn't feel like myself at all. There is a part of me that desperately wanted to erase last week and be extra rigid for the next; to plan out every hour and fill every white space in my planner, to clean my desk, organize my inbox, color-code something, anything. Fix something. But I'm trying to fight that control freak in me, the part of me that wants to play god, and just embrace the messiness. Embrace it because this is life, too.
I like to blog when life looks good, and blogging is an avenue to express my gratitude and passion for the little joys in life. It makes me believe life is full of cupcakes, flowers, and clean dishes. And it can be, but life is also messy and difficult and tiring, and that's not something to be ashamed of or ignored. And it's not something to be controlled. It's something to be recognized and acknowledged because it's what makes us human. Life is hard, but it's also sweet. Sweet and human and frail and real.
I think a huge part of this comes from my heritage. Korean culture is very shamed-based one. You only invite people into your life when the house is clean, grades are good, relationships are stable, and blessings are high. So how do people with such a generationally embedded mindset respond to this? They work extra hard, they throw messes behind closed doors, they study day and night, and they put all their weight on these tangible, visible things. Everything else they hide. But this doesn't make people harder workers, it makes us a very fearful group of people. It turns people into a generation who cannot embrace their weakness, or humanness, and forces them to turn away from their identity, hide behind achievements. And I think it's time we talk about it.
I'll start.
This past week I didn't spend as much time with God and I found myself heavy with insecurity, impatience, and uncertainty. Fear was present in my thoughts, and although I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason for it or locate the root, it was there. I could feel its presence swallowing any truth or love that might have once been. My desperation for love and acceptance was obvious and loud.
I learned that when I am not with God, I search for meaning and identity in things that were never meant to give meaning. Like relationships, clothing, grades, media. I noticed myself eagerly looking for someone to affirm me or give me any kind of signal that I was doing okay.
Henri Nouwen said that we can give the gift of belovedness only insofar as we have claimed it for ourselves. We can only give love to the degree that we believe we are loved. I recognized this truth so much in my life this week, and how important it is for me to receive belovedness first, everyday.
People are writing for 31 days. At first, I didn't know if I had a single topic that could be discussed for such an extended period of time, but as I reflected on this week, I realized there is really only one thing to talk about. That underlying everything I say, I"m always saying the same thing, because I really only have one thing to say. It's about our belovedness, that God loves you.
We can hear it, say it, sing it a million times but it never really hits us the way it should. But it's the only thing that matters. It matters so much that it should transform everything about who we are... the way we think, talk, get ready in the morning, laugh... It should radiate from the inside out and bleed into everything we touch.
So that's what I want to write about for the next 31 days. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have a lot of thoughts, experiences, and I want to intentionally chew on it for the month of October. If you'd like to join with me on this journey, discover more of what our belovedness means and looks like in our lives, walk with me and we can learn together. :)
FIND THEM HERE:
DAY ONE : THE GREATEST LOVE
DAY TWO : THE FATHER'S ARMS
DAY THREE : SMALL MIRACLES
DAY FOUR : WHISPERS
DAY FIVE : SHARE A LITTLE LOVE
DAY SIX : EMBRACE LONELINESS
DAY 22 : SIN RUNS DEEP
DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME
I like to blog when life looks good, and blogging is an avenue to express my gratitude and passion for the little joys in life. It makes me believe life is full of cupcakes, flowers, and clean dishes. And it can be, but life is also messy and difficult and tiring, and that's not something to be ashamed of or ignored. And it's not something to be controlled. It's something to be recognized and acknowledged because it's what makes us human. Life is hard, but it's also sweet. Sweet and human and frail and real.
I think a huge part of this comes from my heritage. Korean culture is very shamed-based one. You only invite people into your life when the house is clean, grades are good, relationships are stable, and blessings are high. So how do people with such a generationally embedded mindset respond to this? They work extra hard, they throw messes behind closed doors, they study day and night, and they put all their weight on these tangible, visible things. Everything else they hide. But this doesn't make people harder workers, it makes us a very fearful group of people. It turns people into a generation who cannot embrace their weakness, or humanness, and forces them to turn away from their identity, hide behind achievements. And I think it's time we talk about it.
I'll start.
This past week I didn't spend as much time with God and I found myself heavy with insecurity, impatience, and uncertainty. Fear was present in my thoughts, and although I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason for it or locate the root, it was there. I could feel its presence swallowing any truth or love that might have once been. My desperation for love and acceptance was obvious and loud.
I learned that when I am not with God, I search for meaning and identity in things that were never meant to give meaning. Like relationships, clothing, grades, media. I noticed myself eagerly looking for someone to affirm me or give me any kind of signal that I was doing okay.
Henri Nouwen said that we can give the gift of belovedness only insofar as we have claimed it for ourselves. We can only give love to the degree that we believe we are loved. I recognized this truth so much in my life this week, and how important it is for me to receive belovedness first, everyday.
People are writing for 31 days. At first, I didn't know if I had a single topic that could be discussed for such an extended period of time, but as I reflected on this week, I realized there is really only one thing to talk about. That underlying everything I say, I"m always saying the same thing, because I really only have one thing to say. It's about our belovedness, that God loves you.
We can hear it, say it, sing it a million times but it never really hits us the way it should. But it's the only thing that matters. It matters so much that it should transform everything about who we are... the way we think, talk, get ready in the morning, laugh... It should radiate from the inside out and bleed into everything we touch.
So that's what I want to write about for the next 31 days. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have a lot of thoughts, experiences, and I want to intentionally chew on it for the month of October. If you'd like to join with me on this journey, discover more of what our belovedness means and looks like in our lives, walk with me and we can learn together. :)
FIND THEM HERE:
DAY ONE : THE GREATEST LOVE
DAY TWO : THE FATHER'S ARMS
DAY THREE : SMALL MIRACLES
DAY FOUR : WHISPERS
DAY FIVE : SHARE A LITTLE LOVE
DAY SIX : EMBRACE LONELINESS
DAY 22 : SIN RUNS DEEP
DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME
so good - so incredibly good and true.
ReplyDeletewe are loved by God - we are His beloved.
so many things i want to quote from this post - so many truths and good words.
i love everything you said - and it definitely makes some posts come to mind.
thanks for sharing this and your heart and being real and honest with yourself and readers. i want to control a lot of things as well - have people affirm me - feel...needed. but really it's just trying to fill a space where God needs to be present.
p.s. thank you for your sweet comment on my friday's post. i needed to hear that and receive that encouragement. i also went to respond via email and saw that you're a no-reply blogger/commenter. which means people can't respond to your comments. :( if you google how to fix it - some easy instructions will come up. i didn't realize i was one until someone told me. lol.
happy monday!
thanks so much for coming over to my blog and reading — and letting me know about the "no-reply!" i just fixed it so now it should work. i had no idea about it so i appreciate the info. (:
Deletethat means a lot that this post spoke to you, too. blogging is good, indeed.
i love blogging, whether it be good or bad; i realized how much it helped me to own who i was and the comments other people left helped me heal. not everyone is so open but it's nice to know other people are listening. when we overcome our weaknesses or own them, it helps us be better people
ReplyDeleteyeah! i definitely agree. there's something about letting your mind wander and typing all your thoughts down that is so therapeutic. (: i love blogging, too.
Deleteso excited to hear what you have to say over the next month, jennifer! thanks for being real and speaking truth :)
ReplyDelete:) i think october is going to be a good one. thanks so much for stopping by!
DeleteHey girl!! So excited to be following you on your series! I found you through the 31 challenge and so excited to be a new follower :)
ReplyDeleteYour photo caught my eye in the 31 Days link-up - and I love the title of your blog. I so need to grow in my understanding and resting in how loved I am by God...looking forward to following along this month!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for stopping by and reading. :) it truly means a lot... and i apologize for the inconsistent posting hehe.
DeleteYour honesty is so refreshing!
ReplyDeletethanks so much for reading and commenting. :) it means a lot!!!!
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