Coffee & Honeycomb: faith

Showing posts with label faith. Show all posts

#PRAYFORCHARLESTON

Friday, June 19, 2015

Jon Stewart's monologue on the church shooting in Charleston became viral recently, tugging on audiences' heart strings and forcing Americans to re-evaluate the language and behavior construed around crime, tragedy, racism, and terrorism. His monologue was eye-opening and striking — especially his honest admission that as a comedian he couldn't muster up comedy surrounding this particular event frankly because it's happening so frequently. He mentioned that he is appalled that while we (Americans) recognize the frequency and severity of such hate crimes happening in our own backyards, little action is taken.

I usually don't talk about current events here, not because I don't find them important, but because Coffee & Honeycomb isn't the appropriate place to talk about it... But with all of this happening, urgency is stirring in me and silence doesn't seem like it's the answer. I don't have much to say or to offer... but to be open, aware, and prayerful. #prayforcharleston

HELLO MARCH + FREE PRINTABLE

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

buy a wedding dress | !!!!!! So. Real. So. Excited. They say it takes about six months for a dress to be ordered, delivered, fitted, and altered; and we are exactly at our six month point so I hope I find "the one" soon! :) Side note: I can't believe I'm going to be a wife in six months! More wedding updates + freebies coming your way!

find a daily rhythm — and stick to it | I've been doing 9-to-5 for six months now but I still haven't found a consistent routine for doing my quiet times. In college my schedule was always spread out with little nuggets of time in between that it was easy to sneak away and journal/read my bible during the day. Now I find myself pushing it until the end of the day when I'm exhausted and not in the right mindset and sometimes decide not to do it at all. My goal for the month is to sleep a little earlier and wake up a bit earlier each day to start the morning in the Word.

try a new recipe | They (who is they honestly and why do they have so much to say) also say brides should start their "beauty" routine of dieting/exercising six months prior to wedding date for real impact. I'm not into dieting but I've started to cook healthier meals! This past week I bought a ton of fruits, veggies, and proteins from Trader Joes and went through easy meals to make. Thank the lawd for pinterest. So far I've made open faced toasts for breakfast and stuffed peppers for lunch! Noms — on the hunt for more recipes! :)

orange theory | I accidentally signed up for membership at at an interval training class near my apartment. This is one goal I am not looking forward to; I've only gone once and I hated it. It was super intense and I wanted to throw up so I hid in the bathroom and dreamed about a Chipotle burrito. And then I bought a Chipotle burrito as soon as it ended... But in more positive fitness related news, I've been going to yoga weekly and I LOVE THAT. I've been going with a friend for over a month now and I definitely feel myself getting stronger, more relaxed, and ready to challenge myself the next session. #namaste

scary close | I bought Donald Miller's book on kindle awhile ago and have been reading it before I sleep. It's interesting and I hope to finish it by the end of the month.

blog four times a month | I've definitely let Coffee & Honeycomb collect dust these past months but hopefully setting a number will help me be more consistent.

+ FREE PRINTABLE! wahoooo.
For each monthly goal post I share, moving forward I will also include a free printable. :)
A little 'thank you' gift for bearing with me.

March's freebie is an inspiration card you can print/post in your cubicle at work, desk at home, or inside a planner. I hope it gives you encouragement throughout the day and reminds you in the midst of your hustle to be still.

DOWNLOAD "BE STILL" CARD | NEVER MISS FUTURE FREEBIES

Bible Verse Encouragement Scripture Free Download

Psalm 46:10 "Be still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!”

2014 | VICTORIES AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

I've been absent around here for quite awhile but with NYE right around the corner, I wanted to pop in and properly close out 2014. Press refresh. I was debating what kind of post I wanted to do; maybe a "best of 2014" post or a "walk down memory lane" post like I did last year, but when I stumbled across Jess Connolly's "the burdens that came with 2014" I knew that just fit with where I was. It felt more appropriate.

There were a lot of monumental and celebratory days in 2014; days I can easily highlight to close the book, but I know there was also a lot of ordinary days, bad days, hard days woven in between. Celebrating the wins is important to me, but so is acknowledging the seemingly stagnant parts, too. Hence, Jess Connolly.

I think when I look back on 2014, it's separated into three very distinct parts/stages. Acts, for lack of a better word.

A C T I : G R A D U A T I O N

2014 found me as a second-semester senior. My mindset was all about seizing the day, staying up late, cherishing campus life, and trying to make plans for post graduation. Looking back, it was sweet and simple and fun. Everything about it. I received a job offer half way through and was sharing an apartment with two of my best friends. After four years of being on a college campus with one major and involved in a college ministry, all of it was comfortable and safe. There I had support and resources and truth that always kept me on track. Guardrails. Living within a comfort zone but anticipating graduation was exciting and liberating. Like finally taking training wheels off.

A C T I I : J A P A N

I spent my summer in Japan for a missions trip, and this trip changed me. It changed my thought life, my outlook on the future, missions, souls, life, and God in general. I saw a bigger God, a bigger reason to pray, a bigger kingdom than the only one I often cared about, mine. I learned a lot -- and sometimes I wish I could go back to this time because these truths were so fresh and the kingdom seemed no near. It was a time when I was deeply in love with the God who loved me. I wad deeply cognizant of my sins but daily in the presence of Him, His grace was so near and sufficient.

A C T I I I : M I N N E A P O L I S

On August 30th, I moved 6 hours north to Minnesota; home of the first mall, the largest mall, the thousand lakes, the below zero winters, and the healthiest people on earth. And now a home to me. :) That's kind of how he last couple of months have been, making Minneapolis into my home... Navigating the city and then the work place, adjusting to a 9-to-5 schedule, developing friendships, discovering hobbies, finding churches, just finding a new rhythm that still felt genuine to me. Indeed there were a lot of adjustments I needed to make, but overall it's been a smooth and fun transition, I can't complain! God's provision is everywhere.

I'm thankful for a new year and a beat to take inventory of everything that just took place. I'm naturally an introspective one (at least in the past I have been), but by the end of 2014, I was consumed with doing well at work and then squeezing my time after for plans and happy hours and small groups that processing and meditating suddenly seemed painfully slow. Which I think is dangerous, cause I can just move and move and move. So in 2015, I want to be more vulnerable and full of confession. More journaling and processing and untangling and praying. Lay down the tracks before I move the train.

2014, what a year! :) Thankful for all that it entailed and how it shaped me today.
How was your 2014? Leave a comment below, I'd love to hear about it.

CELEBRATING US

Monday, September 8, 2014

The end of the summer is always a sweet time for the boyfriend and I. August 20th is my birthday and September 3rd is our anniversary date, so we try to make those two days a bit more special by having dinner, giving handwritten cards and gifts, and whatnot. Two solid days to enjoy the day, enjoy the past year, and enjoy one another. (:

This year, we celebrated my birthday by having a picnic, walking around downtown, and going out for tapas. The 3rd was unique this year because it was the first one we celebrated in our new town. We had just moved and were still transitioning, so we took it easy by grilling, walking around, and watching a movie. My new apartment complex is great and has an open grilling/lounging area, so we took advantage of that since my stuff hadn't come yet.

It was a really sweet and simple celebration - and exactly what I needed this year. Not only because of the move and the new life stage, but because I really want to learn simple living and what that looks like for me. It's easy for me to become so wrapped up with aesthetics and picture-perfect presentation. I'm easily attracted to extravagance and glitter and throwing around buckets of money into those things like it's confetti. And nothing is wrong with glitter or money (thank the Lord); but in Japan, I saw how much of a distraction and idol it could be in my pursuit in loving God. We live in a culture that emphasizes perfection and obsesses over 'more'... More money, more clothes, more friends, more options... And we live in a culture that makes 'more' possible and perfection right around the corner. But that kind of lifestyle, that chase, is all a mirage. It's empty, damaging, and soulless. I know I'm 100% guilty of falling into that trap - Instagram, Pinterest, and reality tv (conveniently three of my favorite things) just make it too easy. Chasing perfection, happiness, and temporary pleasure when God invites us into eternal joy, contentment, and freedom in His name.

Anyway! A bit off tangent. So this year, there WAS still 'fun' and all that goodness a celebration should be, but we were just very intentional about focusing on what mattered. Focusing on good conversation, each other, and how God really blessed us this past year.

Take a peek! :) What does 'simple living' look like in your life?

FRIENDSHIPS & STORIES.

Sunday, August 10, 2014

I believe in friendships. Not because I have perfected the art of it or am currently in perfect friendships, but because it is through friendships God has taught me grace and love. It is through friendships I have experienced healing and joy and freedom.

I believe in stories. Not because I have the most outrageous stories to share, but because it's through stories God shows me fingerprints of Himself. I've always loved stories — reading them, exchanging them, and even writing them. When I first met God (and even as I continue to experience Him), He reminds me of the greatest story of them all - the story about the cross and how it radically changed my life.

JAPAN REFLECTIONS: THE MOCHI CAKE GOSPEL

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Every weekday in Japan, we did "campus ministry." We went to two college campuses between 11:30-3pm, during students' lunch breaks, and tried to connect with as many students as possible - inviting them to J-House or scheduling more lunch dates. Everyone had their own strategy or approach, but the goal to introduce them to Jesus and share His love was all the same!

Towards the end of the trip, I was getting to know this girl, E*, pretty well. It was my fifth or sixth time meeting with her, and I considered her one of the closer friends I had made in Japan. One day, I was trying to tell her how the CFC team celebrated a team member's birthday by making mochi cake. I assumed mochi cake was a Japanese dessert, but she had never heard of it before! I tried to explain to her what it looked like, what it tasted like... And I was getting really excited because I believed the cake to be SO good. I remember thinking, "I probably sound like a crazy fatty right now, but I don't even care cause once she tastes how good this mochi cake is, she'll understand, too."

I met with her again the following day, and the VERY first thing she said to me was: "Jenny! I was so tired when I came home from school last night, but I was so curious about this mochi cake that you described, that I looked it up myself online and want to make it soon." And I don't know why it clicked all then, but in that moment I was just so ashamed and rebuked. Because my enthusiasm and confidence was so evident when I shared with her about food, but I wondered if that same joy came across when I shared about Jesus. When I shared the gospel with her, I remember trying to water down the truth and make it more digestible and relatable to her. There was less conviction.

I wondered if I shared the gospel with that same enthusiasm and joy, if instead she would have returned and said, "Jenny, I was so tired when I came home from school last night, but I was so curious about who this Jesus was, that I went home and prayed and read my bible last night."

I think that moment was a huge reality check for me. Forcing me to re-evaluate how much I believed Jesus to be my one and only joy... Re-evaluate my convictions behind evangelism, and I wanted it to be different. I didn't want to talk about the gospel with such worry or timidness. I wanted to be bold and excited. Knowing that if, they, too, just tasted Jesus, they would understand what the crazy was all about.

Praying that I will first taste Jesus daily and out of the overflow of that goodness, share it with everyone with excitement and joy. :)

"Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good. Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him." Psalm 34:8

What about you? What do you think about evangelism and do you have any stories from your experiences?

Konichiwa! :) INITIAL THOUGHTS COMING HOME.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

Hello blogland,

First things first, thank you so much to those who were for praying for me while I was in Japan! Those prayers were definitely heard and used by God! I am home safe and sound. (:

I've been in America for less than 24 hours, but Japan already feels like a distant dream. I'm moving through life again but I can't remember how I got here. As much as I want to readjust to my old routine, I'm resisting the urge to jump in so quickly. Not quite yet, I tell myself. My four-week missions trip to Japan is over - and there is so much sadness, relief, and hope packed into that statement. It was a precious and sacred time, and I want to process it all as soberly as possible. I've never been known to be patient, but they say that good things take time, and this is definitely a good thing so I'm willing to let it take as long as it needs. This is something I cannot rush through.

I find myself spacing out every few minutes, and I can't move as quickly as I did before. One of my commitments for today was to wake up early and stay busy, but I ended up waking up a little before noon. Jet lag: 1, my body: 0. I'm brushing my teeth slowly, walking slowly, driving slowly... I don't know if it's all jet lag, or if it's my also spirit trying to be still and cling onto God, because I find myself constantly praying and I don't even realize it... Praying for boldness as I text friends back, praying for patience as I talk with my parents, praying for purity and integrity in my thoughts, and praying for protection from temptation...

I don't know what my emotions or thoughts are right now, I just feel kinda numb. But I know that God knows my thoughts and my heart, and He will clarify and reveal them to me in His time. I just need to be still and know that He is God. :) The fact that the God in Japan is the same God with me now is such good assurance, you have no idea.

I can already sense temptation and distractions, and part of me wants to turn on the TV or social media as an escape from reality or quick-fix from my numbness. So I've committed to stay away from TV and Facebook for awhile; not because those things are bad, but because I know these next few days are crucial, and Satan will use anything to distract me. I need to be intentional about silencing every voice that isn't God's so I can hear His more clearly. I need to lean away from the world and lean towards God.

To be honest, I don't know how long I can fight this intentionally to be pure, but God keeps whispering, "one day at a time," and I feel okay. God will carry me through today; and He will give me fresh strength, fresh grace, fresh hope tomorrow. I need not to worry. (:

Thanks for reading! I will probably be here tomorrow, too, so come back! I've committed to writing a blog post each day regarding Japan. A lesson I learned, a memory I had... Anything to keep this processing time fresh as possible.

RADICAL OBEDIENCE: GOING TO JAPAN

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

With graduation approaching quickly, I’ve been asking God more urgently what life will look like post-college. How will he use me? How can I worship Him through my passion for work? ...That’s a glimpse of what my prayers have sounded like for the last year.

As I prayed, a certain verse kept coming back to me — Matthew 9:35 . “When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them, because they were harassed and helpless.” This is a verse God laid on my heart freshman year, and I have held onto it for years as a reminder that my God is a compassionate God, who longs for intimacy and reconciliation with His children. It’s a verse He wrote all over my heart — and He used the same verse to answer my prayers in this season. To illustrate what my life, and my ministry, should look like from now on. It was an intimate answer to my prayers.

For me personally, I believe a part of it is to be a light in the marketplace; to go to the crowd and to show compassion. To rub shoulders and work alongside non-believers. To pour healing into those nooks and crannies of daily life. Ultimately, to bring lost souls home.

During that same time, I was presented the opportunity to go with CFC, my church on campus, to Japan for a summer missions trip. I'll be honest: I was not interested, whatsoever. Because honestly? I never had a heart for global missions... Don't get me wrong, I wanted to — I wanted to hand God a blank canvas and tell him to do big, big, big things with my life. I wanted to experience beauty for ashes and I wanted him to use these hands and feet of mine to expand His kingdom. I wanted to say the sky is the limit—I will follow him to places where my faith is without borders. But, it was a lot harder than I thought it was. Overseas missions was terrifying because down to the core, I knew I couldn't do it alone. I must depend on God.

So, I began praying... Asking God if this was the next step. I wanted this decision to be planted by God and carried through by God. I didn't just want to take a step because it was a good thing to do or because a lot of people were doing it. I wanted to be wholly sober throughout the process... which inevitably included a lot of wrestling and fear. Some of my concerns were legitimate (safety, family, job situation) and others were selfish (comfort, shower, pb&jelly sandwiches)... One by one, the concerns slowly dwindled away and all that was left at the table was me, my fear, and Jesus. I began to have different conversations with people, and I realized missions in Japan was very similar to my personal prayers at the time — doing daily life with the people, using your gifts to empower the church... Yes, it is about the lost souls in Japan, but bigger than that it is about developing a heart that beats for the gospel, that beats for His kingdom – in whatever context. I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to say, God, here I am.

Right now, Japan has a Christian population of 1.5%. It’s a society surrounded around idolatry, materialism, and social pressures – and those are just a few of the hindrances to the spread of the Gospel, on top of earthquake and tsunami repercussions. Japan needs compassion, it needs relief, it needs Jesus.

I am going with a team of about 15 other college students, and we will partner with a church in the city of Osaka called J-House. Our main goal is to support the J-House ministry by sharing the gospel and connecting to college students through English teaching, creative arts, and friendship. We will be from June 14th to July 14th. We’ve already begun weekly training which includes prayer meetings, fasting, memory verses; and will begin daily intensive training in mid-May.

My prayer throughout this whole process is not just to train for one summer, but it’s to train for the rest of my life. I’m asking God for a heart that cries for Japan, but also for a heart that cries for lost souls everywhere – in my future workplace, and in my future community.

I'm not going to lie, we haven't even begun intensive training or entered the mission field yet but already it's been tough for me. A majority of the time I lose my conviction and doubt if I should even be going. My parents send me messages daily asking if I can just shorten the trip concerned about safety, and as my friends talk of their summer vacation plans, I feel that major #FOMO going on... It's my last summer before I move to Minneapolis, yet I am choosing to devote two months of it to a missions trip, is it worth it? I ask myself sometimes.. But then there are other days, — rare, but they do occur — when all of these worries and pro/con lists are hushed, and I kneel before the Lord and He whispers radical obedience in my heart. He whispers and it feels right.

And that's kind of where I am right now. Training, praying, fundraising, and trying to hold onto those whispers. I know now more than ever, I am in need of partnership... In need of prayers, in need of support. If you'd like to pray, please keep Japan, the team, the lost souls, and myself in your prayers. :) If you'd like to support in a different way, I encourage you to check out my Etsy shop and consider purchasing a prayer card (or any card)! The funds will go towards the trip and be a reminder to pray for the nation. :)

I'm sorry this post was a lennnngtthyy one but thank you for reading it, and I will be sure to keep you all updated as I walk in foreign territory. :) We're required to keep a journal during this time to record our prayers and thoughts, and I want to try to share some of them here throughout the process to be as open with you all as possible. :)

Have you gone a missions trip before? What are your feelings about missions? I would love to hear your story!

CONVICTIONS FROM OIL

Thursday, January 23, 2014

A few weeks ago, I served as a small group leader at a midwest young adult conference, OIL. It was a four-day retreat themed, "deep and wide," challenging all to let the gospel soak—deep into our hearts, and wide onto our communities. Great pastors, theologists, social justice activists, and faithful-regular-Joe's were brought from all over the country to speak.

I can't spit out all four days worth of goodness to you, although boy if I could I would, here are a few convictions and lessons learned. These are the things I can't shake off my bones–I hope it blesses you. (:

Be faithful where you are now. Even if what you currently do is not a permanent or enjoyable situation, know that God is sovereign and has sovereignly placed you in this season and this context. Do not limit your situation to be a mere stepping stone. Trust in God's timing and learn to be faithful. "You have been faithful with a little things; I will put you in charge of many things." Matthew 25:23.

Jesus was the first missionary in the world and we can learn a lot by his example. It says that Jesus dwelled, and as ambassadors of Christ, the way we do missions, whether it's in a different country or at work or at our home, we, too, need to rub shoulders with the people in our lives. This means we learn and understand their culture; we dwell with them. We should not stick to our own kind, running from prayer meeting to service to small group, but enter into darkness to be the light.

Don't it sound sweet? You can find more about it here.

YOU ARE HIS BELOVED.

Monday, January 20, 2014

Did you miss these? I sure did. It felt great to play around with type+design again. Here's an iPhone background for you today—I'm actually using it right now!

You like it ? It's yours. :) Instructions are easy!
1. Right click on the bottom image + save (either directly from your iPhone or from your computer. If you saved it on your computer, there is an extra step. E-mail it to yourself or send it via iCloud + open it on your iPhone.)
2. Find it in your Photos, set it as your wallpaper, and straighten it out so the text is smack dab in the middle. Enjoy!
3. Find more design treats here!

2014 | DAILY FAITHFULNESS

Saturday, January 4, 2014

I always try to create a phrase or word that will represent what I'd like my focus of the year to look like. In 2013, it was "more gospel," to infiltrate each day with more of His word and His good news. For 2014, I choose, "daily faithfulness." Why? Because this year will be a year of major transitions. I graduate college in four short months, entering the work force and moving back home. (boomerang kid. it's the economy, guys.) And as I enter into this new season of life and begin to develop my own lifestyle, spending habits, work balance, I want to ensure to find a rhythm of daily faithfulness. As I become more and more self-sufficient with responsibilities and finance, I want to be all the more dependent on Him and Him alone.

What are your resolutions for 2014?

MY 2013 : A WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE.

Thursday, January 2, 2014

This time of the year is always busy for everyone... Endless holidays, mind numbingly cold weather, gift shopping, party planning, family gatherings, and food coma induced naps... With so much going on, it's easy to let the mornings run into nights and let life pass by without taking a moment to pause and reflect. So, over here on Coffee & Honeycomb, I wanted to clear up some time to seal away 2013 and properly welcome 2014.

Shall we walk down memory lane together...

In January, (I know, this feels forever ago) I picked up my passport and left the country for the first time in my life to study abroad in Verona, Italy. I moved into a cute little Italian home with my college roommate and enrolled into the Scuola di Lingua Italiana Idea Verona. I traded in dollars for euros, Starbucks lattes for single espressos, and the city's skyline for ancient cobblestones. And that was just the start. I was about to enter into a whole new European living. Ciao Verona!

I spent a good chunk of May tying up loose ends, buying last minute souvenirs, and treating myself to celebratory gelatos. On the 4th, packed up my bags once again and headed towards the states. I was reunited with the family, the lovely pups, and of course, Starbucks. So long to pausas and passeggiata, enter summer.

August was monumental. I turned 21 (wahoo), moved into my first apartment, became a senior, started co-leading, and chartered my first college organization, Campus Cursive.

Now here we are, twelve long months later... Twelve long months of ups and downs and in-between nothings. Seasons of confusion, excitement, and even seasons of anxiety. It was a year of growing pains. I was pushed out of my comfort zone in more ways than one, and although uncomfortable at times, I learned that that is exactly where the magic happens. (I know I wear out that phrase to its bare bones but I'm a firm believer in it.) One thing that stayed the same was God's hand and nearness in my life, and I'm so grateful that miles (both literally and figuratively) traveled, I have sweet assurance that my God is my God and He is near me. (:

To be honest, life doesn't look that much different from what it did one year ago. My home is the same, the people in my life are still near, and we still don't know who Ted Mosby's wife is. However, if I take the time to reflect on all that one year had to offer, that "same" life feels different — and that excites me! I'm ready to embrace the new year with wide open arms.

In 2014, let's be kind to our neighbors, do things that make us smile, and make room in our heart and life for God to plant and mold and speak. Let's make this one a good one, friends.

Pssst! See how other ladies spent their 2013 here! And if you did your own post, be sure to link up here. Happy reflecting! :)

WHEN YOU REALIZE YOU AREN'T A SUPERHERO.

Wednesday, December 11, 2013

In this society, we tend to hand out trophies and extend rounds of applauses to the superheroes, wonderwomans, and invincible, which sends this message that we should not embrace that we are human. That our humanness, our ability to fail, to feel, to have a certain limit in our brain power, physical ability, or attention span should be something that we should constantly fix or dismiss.

Nearly every day, I am faced-to-face with a weakness of mine. Nearly everyday, I have a moment where I feel like a failure and the only thing I believe about myself is that I am inadequate. Past scars and unresolved memories replay in my mind, confirming my inadequacy, and any past achievement or acknowledgement goes unnoticed. I have moments where I feel like no one has loved me a day in my life or looked at me with eyes of admiration and adoration. So maybe I'm being a bit dramatic now, but the pain that I'm describing isn't honestly short of the mark.

A stream of "I wish I was more..." pile themselves on top of each other until it gets so high and heavy it begins to crawl out of my throat and the only language I can speak or communicate in is in the language of tears. I am very fluent in tears. I feel different things depending on the day, depending on the season.

...I wish i blogged more. I wish I was more funny. I wish I was more pretty. I wish I was more organized. I wish I did my homework earlier. I wish I was more thoughtful...

Today I beat myself up because I wish I was more financially responsible. And you know what, I'll be so honest even I fear you'll view me as a brat, I wish I had more money in my bank account. I wish I had enough money to pay for everyone in my life and not end with a wish that it could be reciprocated. I wish I didn't drive with an empty gas tank for days dreading the dollars it drains. I wish I didn't get bitter over driving people because it's my gas. I wish I was never tempted to steal or shoplift. I wish money grew on trees. And this is embarrassing for me to say this, because I know I'm not necessarily tight financial situation. I have a dad who pays for my college tuition and monitors my bank account. I'm just a brat who can't keep her dollars in line.

And on top of that, it's 3 a.m. and my homework isn't done. And the kitchen is messy. And we're almost out of toothpaste.

It's a stream that flows from subconsciousness, and it comes unannounced and unwelcome. It's like a virus that plants itself into my thoughts and feeds off every insecure whisper that passes and remains unnoticed until suddenly it's so big that I fear it may swallow me whole.

Inadequacy is a very familiar feeling for me. We have a very intimate relationship because someone told me no one loves ordinary. No one loves plain jane. But what everyone forgot to tell me was that i didn't need to achieve extraordinary.

All that to say is that I realize I don't feel loved when I am weak. I feel unloved for being weak. Which means I believe only the strong are lovable. Which means I try to be strong to gain love. Which means I can't fully accept God's love because it requires you to tap into your weakness.

But there's a whisper in my soul that reminds me that I am not and never was made to hustle. I was never made to worship.

We were made to live out of bravery and victory, and live to find it and that is what God meant when he told us to walk by grace. Walk with your head held high and your heart brave and your chin up because grace meant God already won. God already won and invited you into his happy ending. His story of victory.

Tonight I am reminded that I am not superhuman, but I worship a God who is bigger than any other superhero you can imagine — and he holds me close. He calls me "mine."

DARLING, YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.

Monday, December 9, 2013

Stand in front of your bathroom mirror and give yourself permission to stare. Pause any stream of unconsciousness that nests itself in your thoughts. Don't think, just stare.

Study what you see in front of you. Notice your unsymmetrical eyes or the scar on your chin or the un-plucked eyebrow strand, but do not let a single negative or critical thought contaminate this moment. Breathe in. Breathe out. And then, close your eyes and repeat this verse to yourself:

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. — Psalm 139:14

Say those words aloud over and over again until the words begin to run into each other and sound all funny. Say those words aloud until the truth of it seeps into every heart beat and you begin to actually believe it.

And whatever you do, please, please, don't ever stop believing these words.

DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME

Thursday, October 24, 2013

This past weekend, our church hosted its annual Revival, a 3-day event strategically placed mid-way through the semester, to open up a space and time for students to be revived and refueled. It's filled with sermons, prayer, and worship. It's a grand time. (:

This year was my fourth one. It is also my last one as a student, and my favorite one.

The sermon from the first night really struck a chord with me and reminded me of this series so I wanted to share a bit about it here. The speaker, Reverend Charlie Dates, spoke on Geneses 32, when Jacob wrestles with God... Genesis 32 begins when Jacob is in the middle of the night hiding from enemies and running away. We meet him sending off his family across a river.

Verses 23 and 24 read, "...he sent over all his possessions. So Jacob was left alone..."

Reverend Charlie Dates pointed out this redundancy as a literary device to emphasize the state of Jacob at this time. He was stripped away of all his physical comforts, his possessions, as well as his emotional and relational support. Jacob is stripped, empty-handed, and alone. At this moment, is when God chooses to meet him and wrestle with him.

The text says they wrestle until daybreak and as God tries to end it, Jacob holds on and says one of most profound and telling requests.

He says, "I will not let you go unless you bless me."

When we are stripped away of everything, our innate need and deepest cry of our heart reveals itself — to be blessed by God, to be seen by God. Can I say that again? When we are apart from all the comforts and securities this world can offer us, it is at THAT moment our true and real and personal need and desire is to the surface. To be blessed by God. To be seen by God.

And isn't this what we've been talking about this whole month? I had never read this passage this way, and that particular point cut away at me just as the Word should. I felt so known and understood and rebuked, too. My whole life pattern has been to maximize comfort, maximize security... meanwhile stifling the voice and power of God.

In this passage, God reminds me that He meets me when I am stripped away of everything. That he must take everything in order to give me everything. I want to learn how to daily take everything so tender to my heart and lay it before Him at His feet... ready to be filled with more of Him. More of Him.