Coffee & Honeycomb

Last week, life was messy. Both literally and emotionally.
I didn't feel like myself at all. There is a part of me that desperately wanted to erase last week and be extra rigid for the next; to plan out every hour and fill every white space in my planner, to clean my desk, organize my inbox, color-code something, anything. Fix something. But I'm trying to fight that control freak in me, the part of me that wants to play god, and just embrace the messiness. Embrace it because this is life, too. 

I like to blog when life looks good, and blogging is an avenue to express my gratitude and passion for the little joys in life. It makes me believe life is full of cupcakes, flowers, and clean dishes. And it can be, but life is also messy and difficult and tiring, and that's not something to be ashamed of or ignored. And it's not something to be controlled. It's something to be recognized and acknowledged because it's what makes us human. Life is hard, but it's also sweet. Sweet and human and frail and real. 

I think a huge part of this comes from my heritage. Korean culture is very shamed-based one. You only invite people into your life when the house is clean, grades are good, relationships are stable, and blessings are high. So how do people with such a generationally embedded mindset respond to this? They work extra hard, they throw messes behind closed doors, they study day and night, and they put all their weight on these tangible, visible things. Everything else they hide. But this doesn't make people harder workers, it makes us a very fearful group of people. It turns people into a generation who cannot embrace their weakness, or humanness, and forces them to turn away from their identity, hide behind achievements. And I think it's time we talk about it. 

I'll start. 

This past week I didn't spend as much time with God and I found myself heavy with insecurity, impatience, and uncertainty. Fear was present in my thoughts, and although I couldn't quite pinpoint the reason for it or locate the root, it was there. I could feel its presence swallowing any truth or love that might have once been. My desperation for love and acceptance was obvious and loud. 

I learned that when I am not with God, I search for meaning and identity in things that were never meant to give meaning. Like relationships, clothing, grades, media. I noticed myself eagerly looking for someone to affirm me or give me any kind of signal that I was doing okay. 

Henri Nouwen said that we can give the gift of belovedness only insofar as we have claimed it for ourselves. We can only give love to the degree that we believe we are loved. I recognized this truth so much in my life this week, and how important it is for me to receive belovedness first, everyday.

People are writing for 31 days. At first, I didn't know if I had a single topic that could be discussed for such an extended period of time, but as I reflected on this week, I realized there is really only one thing to talk about. That underlying everything I say, I"m always saying the same thing, because I really only have one thing to say. It's about our belovedness, that God loves you.

We can hear it, say it, sing it a million times but it never really hits us the way it should. But it's the only thing that matters. It matters so much that it should transform everything about who we are... the way we think, talk, get ready in the morning, laugh... It should radiate from the inside out and bleed into everything we touch.

So that's what I want to write about for the next 31 days. I don't have a lot of answers, but I have a lot of thoughts, experiences, and I want to intentionally chew on it for the month of October. If you'd like to join with me on this journey, discover more of what our belovedness means and looks like in our lives, walk with me and we can learn together. :) 

FIND THEM HERE:
DAY ONE : THE GREATEST LOVE
DAY TWO : THE FATHER'S ARMS
DAY THREE : SMALL MIRACLES
DAY FOUR : WHISPERS
DAY FIVE : SHARE A LITTLE LOVE
DAY SIX : EMBRACE LONELINESS
DAY 22 : SIN RUNS DEEP
DAY 23 : I WILL NOT GO UNLESS YOU BLESS ME

Hope your day has been filled with bottomless coffee, fulfilling work, and obedient hair. (:

This is the first Monday in awhile that I didn't wake up early and go to work. In fact, I did quite the opposite — I woke up at 2:30 p.m. and started my day from there (Yikes.) The night before, I attended a farewell BBQ for one of our church friends who was moving back to Korea and got home pretty late. It was a really good time, complete with grilling, sushi, and cake! YUM.

His flight was this morning and he wanted to pull an all-nighter so he could sleep during his 14-hour flight (and aid the jet lag once he arrived,) so after the BBQ started to fade out around 10 p.m., a bunch of us non-working friends went to do Korean karaoke in Niles! It was a blast. If you've never tried karaoke Korean style, I encourage you to put that on the top of your bucket list. They rent out private rooms, ranging in sizes to accommodate your party, decked with a tv screen, tamborines, and microphones so you and your friends can sing your hearts out — without stage fright! They're usually open really late at night (like, 3 a.m.) for the night owls. After we sang three hours worth of Taylor Swift, Beyonce, and FUN., we made our way over to Steak & Shake to grab some late night milkshakes! I ended up coming home when the sun was rising, 6 a.m., and passed out into the late afternoon. (I'm still feeling pretty lethargic.) 

When I woke up, I headed over to Starbucks to clear out my inbox and of course, blog. I wanted to share with you guys new arm candy that the bf bought me for an (early) birthday gift! Over the weekend, we decided to go eye shopping at Tiffany's and passed by J.CREW along the way. And of course, I made us peep in. I spotted these colorful, bold bangles there that immediately caught my eye and I fell in love! I thought I'd treat myself to one, so I grabbed the colors that I liked and contemplated which one to get. The bf asked me if I liked all of them and said, "don't choose. Let's get 'em all. Birthday present part one." I, gladly, did not oppose. (What a guy. This is why I keep him around. He keeps me smiling for days.)

Here they are! They are beautiful! Gold on the rim and gold in the inside. That makes me happy. Very Kate Spade-esque, no? Happy early birthday to me! :)